Overnight Success

Have you ever heard a famous singer, actress, etc, being “discovered” and then becoming an “overnight success?” Gal Gadot is a famous example...One day, no one's heard of her. The next day, she's the most popular hero in the active DC film franchise. Ok, she may have been news to us, but she was working angles and stages, becoming proficient in hand-to-hand combat, long before that casting call. 

Well, it’s my anniversary (of dating,1st year)! As someone who was more of a casual dater than a hurry-up-and-mater, this is a milestone for me (and for the wonderful man who shifted my whole paradigm). It’s also a more than a little strange for me since I mostly planned to be single for a good long while. To be committed and in love from where I was just last year seems like an overnight success to me!

Transparently, on good days, being single felt freeing and exciting! And there were a lot of good days! On tougher days, it could be lonely, even infuriating. Lonely, because every so often there would times when it seemed “everyone” had figured something out that I didn't. Infuriating because singleness and womanhood seemed to invite unwanted contact, or unsolicited advice (some was useful, other was less-so…), and whispers behind my back. 

Having been basically single for my life, it's quite amusing to me that this has been going so well! And after 1 year, I have no illusions that I know enough to give “relationship advice”. So instead, here are some lessons that have helped me contribute to this “Overnight Success” - lessons that I'm grateful I learned while single:

1. Work on yourself, but not to please others. Work on yourself because you are gonna be living with you 24/7, and ain't no escaping yourself. 

2. Pay attention to how you feel before, during, and after spending time with a friend, mentor, or date. If you are saddled with dread just thinking about that next meeting, it's worth it to see if there are minor or major changes that can be made, in the plans, the conversation, or the relationship! Boundaries are healthy, even with loved ones. And just because they don't think they need to be behind the fence doesn't mean you can't maintain whatever you need. How many times was it fun to put down boundaries? None. How many times have I done it perfectly? Probably none. How many times have I regretted it? Also none.

3. Live your life! The gifts inside of you that have nothing to do with a partner (at least it doesn't right now!) Your knowledge, talents, and interests can make this world better, and while it's nice to have a partner around, you don't need one to make an impact!

4. Date a lot, date all kinds of people, and leave people better than you found them. Two individuals that I went out with got engaged to their very next partner. Did it sting for a second, uh you bet! But they were never meant to marry me, and we knew that long before we stopped talking. I gave kind feedback as things were ending, so I'd like to think I helped! Each ending helped me clarify what I wanted and didn’t want, and helped me notice when I was seeing what I needed in my partner! Worth it. 

5. YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL OF SOMEONE ELSE’S TIMING. You cannot rush them to be ready for you or make them wait. No one can rush you to be ready either. Discern what is the right move based upon the ACTUAL circumstances and persons involved, not according to peers, family, social context, or fantasy outcomes.

I don't know if singleness is a season, a calling, a memory, or a goal for you dear reader. All I can say is, with a little perspective, I'm glad for my singleness, especially now, and I hope you find the joy in yours as well.

What’s the difference?

Not even Michael Cohen can bring down President 45 if Democrats keep inadvertently propping him up.

I am an officially a “decline-to-state” voter. I have a strong wish that my President demonstrate some sincere interest in and respect for American democratic norms and values, moral consistency, or, you know, basic decency. I’d also like to have minority representation in the White House beyond Dr. Ben Carzzzon and Omarosa. Needless to say, this administration has mainly been distressing and exhausting.

The 2017/2018 Republican party holds very little appeal for #NeverTrump-ers like me. It used committee resources to fund SUPER SHADY Roy Moore in Alabama and the finance chair used $1.6 million (of his money? Cohen’s money? RNC money? The President’s Money?) to cover up mistresses, babies, and abortions. Keep it.

So, I would LOVE to say we have viable opposition parties in our storied political system. I would be lying. This week, Democrats and independents had perfect opportunities to take a stand, as 45’s PERSONAL LAWYER was accused of taking BRIBES from TELECOM and DRUG COMPANIES! THIS STORY HAS EVERYTHING THAT PISSES AMERICANS OFF…ON A PLATTER…ROASTED, SEASONED, AND READY TO SERVE FOR SOME HOT POLITICAL DISCOURSE. Was I yelling? Apologies.

Dems will not take back ANY seat from ANYBODY, if they can’t “get the easy ones right,” to quote Mo Kelly (@MrMoKelly KFI radio host).

Here’s Rep. Joaquin Castro, Democrat from Texas, on The Daily Show this week:

(skip to 3:05 for the exchange)

RECAP

Host: I’ve always thought of lobbying as corruption, so I don’t understand what the difference is between what they were doing with Michael Cohen (bribery) and what lobbying is.

Rep. Castro: …the easiest thing to say is…the guy has no background in healthcare, so why are you paying him…

Host: Right, but what is the difference between that and lobbying?

Rep Castro: Well usually these guys have to register…we know you’re accepting the money, we know what clients you’re taking on… you have an expertise in the field.

Host: Would you say then that the only difference really is that one is formalized and one isn’t?

Rep. Castro: That’s certainly the biggest difference, sure.

Democrats: They sure know how to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Riddle me this: How do you #resist a system that you’re still making money from, Boo-Boo?

The answer we need (from any party’s member) is this: “Cohen’s receipt of and use of this money appears illegal, and it is being thoroughly investigated and prosecuted as appropriate. In addition, money has gained too much influence in our system overall. We are committed to running small donor campaigns and listening to our constituents, not corporations.”

And then, after you say all of that, back 👏🏽 it 👏🏽up 👏🏽 with 👏🏽policy 👏🏽. Thank you.

#TacoObsessed Resurrect the blog!

For the past month, at participating Jack in The Box locations, you can purchase a combo of 3 tacos and a small drink for $3. For this, I resurrect the blog! No, this voluntary blog post is not a paid advertisement. These tacos are truly my comfort food. I have no formal affiliation with Jack in the Box, but I DID write this while finishing my tacos, which I paid for.

Perhaps you don’t understand why this moves me. Perhaps you don’t quite get how Jack’s gets away with calling their fried tortilla pockets “tacos.”

Maybe you don’t relate to the sense of accomplishment I feel when managing the meat/cheese splooge in a regulated, upward fashion while not squeezing so hard to get it on your shirt. Maybe you don’t give yourself extra points for doing so while driving.

Maybe you have never appreciated that you could fill your belly for $0.99 (well, $1.98, because, there’s an unspoken 3 taco per person minimum; leftovers go to the hungriest person nearby, yourself included). Maybe you’re curious about how inflation left this product untouched for over 20 years.

Maybe you had a phase in high school when you ate too many and now you’re over it. Maybe you’re afraid to try them because your old roommate filled your living room with their distinct, hot-saucy smell and paper wrappers and it triggers you.

Maybe you made the fatal mistake of trying to determine the ingredients in these mush-packs. Maybe you feel guilty because you know it’s not health food, and you live clean now.

If that’s you, you’re right, this meal deal is ridiculous, and there is no logical argument I can make to you to explain it. I can only apologize. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry you haven’t had enough practice to learn the soft touch. I’m sorry that a piece of sauce covered lettuce shred dropped onto on your pants. I know you’re not really not a slob. It’s the taco.

I’m sorry that life has taught you to avoid things that are “too good to be true,” including inflation-proof, recession-proof, gentrification-proof tacos.

I’m sorry that your roommate was not a good steward of the 99 cent gift of taco and you were caught in his failure and mess.

I’m sorry that the diet you chose doesn’t allow “cheat days”.

But if you, like me, are #TacoObsessed…

…if your hands can cradle those tacos like the gentle mouth of a golden retriever doing an egg challenge…

…if taco Tuesday could be any day for you…

…if Jack’s tacos have been and will be there for you on your worst days…

…if you live in a culture where you “should know better,” but still crave these tacos almost as often as authentic ones…

…if you count the lettuce and hot sauce in those tacos as a serving of vegetables…

You know this is a big deal. I support you. I share your delight as you rapidly empty your series of paper sleeves. But please, drive safely.

Dear Black Man, An Open Letter

Dear Black Man,

1. You exist in all shades.
2. You can rock many styles.
3. Whether or not your relationship worked out, you set aside quality time to raise me.
4. When someone couldn’t or wouldn’t teach you, you taught yourself.
5. You taught me about loyalty, sacrificing freedom and risking your life for America, as a member of her armed forces.
6. You help me connect to the history that helps me feel like an agent in this world, not just a victim.
7. You gave me the speech: “hands always visible, complete your business in the daytime, answer with ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’” because my life could depend on it.
8. You gave me the other speech: “Plan to be twice as good to get half as much.”
9. You challenge the other Black men and women to be better.
10. You debate for the enjoyment of sharpening your own knowledge.
11. You sought opportunity to better your life and mine. You went to school, found a mentor, honed your hustle, thought “outside the box,” invested before getting even a promise of return.
12. You’re nerdy, athletic, artistic, and funny.
13. You are yourself.
14. You remind me not to internalize the hatred we couldn’t change or escape.
15. You cared for me like your child, counseled me like your child, even though we weren’t related.
16. You excel in hospitality, even toward people who do not extend the same hospitality your way.
17. You corrected me when I judged someone who didn’t look like me, or seem to have what I have.
18. You turn pain into soothing music.
19. Even when you get no credit, or delayed credit, you continue your contributions to society.
20. You perfected the act of turning scraps and leftovers into sustenance.
21. You educate me about the harsher realities of this world.
22. You get up, every day, at any hour necessary, to get to work and provide.
23. Instead of responding to this world in despair, you lose yourself in a movie, you rest, you dance, you speak, you march, you write…
24. You mirror God and point me to God.
25. You insist that you and I have the same rights of humanity as anyone else, despite their privilege. And that is the most loving and the most dangerous thing you could have ever done.

There are so many reasons why your life matters, and why I love you. May your portrayals begin to match the weight of your gifts.

Live and rest in power,

AABetterPlace

Trump 2016, To What End?

After listening to o-so-many professional and personal (actual Trump voter) analyses about Trump 2016, I have one question:

If we are voting for a *businessman*, because we are a sick of politicians beholden to *businessmen*, then what do we prove? What does it solve?

To expand the point:

There is a large demographic of people who are really “doggamn” sick of career Washington politicians. They are tired of elected officials who need our votes but not our input. In fact, these politicians create an opinion based off of special interests and attempt to incept it back to us, as if we had thought of it ourselves. We’re a nation of chumps sitting up here like: “You know what, I never HAD considered whether that tall woman peeing in the next stall had male genitalia. Think of all the times I was almost raped, but for the grace of…” I shouldn’t bring God into this, but they did. And before the Republican Party started having a meltdown, I didn’t see any of that in my Facebook newsfeed.

These politicians -the ones we’re angry with- seem more motivated to do what their rich special interests want than what we need. These politicians have demonstrated that they do not care about us more than they care about their largest and most recent donations, and the success of their donors is frequently at odds with our success.

So, instead of dealing with the disgusting ways that money manipulates our representatives, we…take out the middle man? We vote directly for the special interest candidate instead of voting for the official he might have paid in any other election year? Would the Newsies, overworked and underpaid, have voted for their mean publisher, since “obviously he has all that money, so whatever he does is working.”? Yes, I referenced a musical to make a serious point. Don’t sue me, remember that this blog is free, and I am trying to avoid cliché references to Stockholm Syndrome and Jim Crow. ::Crap::

If you, personally, don’t fix the nation this year, at least see this movie and ponder the Gilded Age.

ANYHOO: To quote a man who will not get to be the president but sure was fun to watch, “Let me be clear:” if neither of these candidates have a serious plan to address 1) the underrepresentation of Americans in politics, and 2) the impact of Citizen’s United; then they can go ahead and miss me with whatever else they do have planned.

#BlackLivesMatter

#BlackVotesMatter

#MissMe2016

-AABetterPlace

For Tamir, For Sandra, who could not get justice, even for the price of their lives:

The feelings come in waves:

Disbelief

Disillusionment

Disgust

Dysphoria

When it comes to this week in the news, it feels like it’s all been said. But nothing changes. So, I sit here trying to make sense of it all. Our men, women, and children are being killed in the streets.

I know this feeling, it’s “stuck.” As a counselor, working with chronic addictions, my work often involves consulting the stages of change, hoping for a different perspective when my patient seems to be stuck. I ask myself, “If their goal is to sober up, but it doesn’t seem to be happening, what could we be missing?” I consult the chart (provided for your reference below):

 

Precontemplation: “It’s a problem from my perspective, but it’s not a problem for them yet.”

Contemplation: “It can be pretty overwhelming to realize the extent of a problem…perhaps getting to know the related factors would help.”

Planning: “Maybe they feel ready to try to change, but can’t quite figure out how.”

Action: “Wow they tried something new!” This is when there is something we can observe!

Maintanence: “Their working on holding on to status quo.”

Relapse: “Something about the plan, or the execution of the plan, didn’t take everything into account. What did we miss?”

And then, hopefully, we go back into contemplation and planning, etc.

When it comes to this moment, wherever you find yourself…related to change, please just be open to the fact that something, somewhere needs to be done. I’m not sure what can be done, but I’m over contemplation, and I’d like to move into planning. I am like many who love people and desire this country to demonstrate its founding ideals (the theoretical ideals, like “liberty and justice for all,” of course, not, you know, racism and slavery).

Precontemplation: “There is no problem. Racism is over. I’m not racist.”

I’m going to bet that you probably don’t have a problem with racism. You are probably not a racist. But please PLEASE do not tell someone else that the racism they have experienced, for real, does not exist in this country. There is a generation of people actually suffocating, LITERALLY DYING, under this weight, these snap judgements based upon the color of our skin. Tamir Rice was 12 years old. He was killed in 2 seconds! Black children are routinely policed as though they are 4 years older than their biological age. They are more likely to be shot in a simulation or assumed to be a threat. That’s because of thousands of images and messages and jokes and hiring choices and news stories that condition us to see race as a referendum on character. I’m so grateful that I don’t experience racial bias daily, but I have experienced it recently, my parents experienced it, my grandparents experienced it. And I don’t just mean 2 decades ago, this is not a Pre-bama issue. THERE IS A PROBLEM IN 2015. That’s why there are mothers and fathers and children in the streets protesting and weeping instead of playing board games until school comes back into session.

Click this link please, and then click all of the other links therein, until you find yourself moved: http://www.usnews.com/news/blogs/at-the-edge/2015/05/06/institutional-racism-is-our-way-of-life

Contemplation: “Wow, clearly some people are obsessed with these problems of killings and lack of convictions. Why are there so many dead Black people on the news? Why are there so many Black criminals? Why did the police shoot them? Maybe the killings were justified and that’s why no one is going to jail.”

Yes, some of these people did commit crimes (not at any higher rate than whites though). But let’s consult our civics training: In America, when you commit a crime, you should be cited for a minor offense, or arrested and tried for a major offense. Then, after a judge and a jury of your peers reviews the case, they decide on a punishment.

There are several practical issues though with these shootings:

• It turns out, that if you are shot on the scene, and you die, it’s really difficult to provide your testimony per your legal right. There will be no charges, no jury, no judge.
• The people who decide if a police action should be reviewed…well, they usually work with the police every day. No one wants to piss off their local police department, especially district attorneys, so they don’t bring charges.
• The “jury” that decides if the death was justified…well they are often a biased bunch too. Not evil, not mean, just biased.

And I haven’t even almost nicked the surface of the issues with the news coverage, with who gets pulled over and who doesn’t, with who can vote and who can’t…etc.

If this is at all interesting to you, I’d recommend these:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_New_Jim_Crow

http://tapestrypodcast.podbean.com/

http://www.showaboutrace.com/

https://newrepublic.com/authors/intersection

Planning: “This problem seems so big. It’s been going on for so long. It’s so entrenched. And then all the deaths not even related to police! What can I even do?”

I’ve been mostly sitting here in planning mode, gals and guys, for too many weeks, months, years. Encouragement and ideas are much appreciated. And I encourage you: It didn’t take a day to create this problem, and it won’t take a day to get rid of it. What are your skills? What are your gifts? How can you contribute something positive in such a depressing situation? Could you paint for Sandra Bland? Walk for Tamir? Spend more time with people who are different from you? Run for local office (or national office! Have you SEEN these candidates?) Donate to a charity? Debate the misinformed? Pray for solutions and pursue the answer?

ACTION:

However you decide to improve this nation, please do it. And please share the results with others, we need all the change we can get right now (I know I do). And please research before you vote next year.

As far as Maintanence and Relapse, when we find something that works, let’s revisit these.

May the Lord bless the work of our hands and the love in our hearts. #BlackLivesMatter